Saturday, January 16, 2010

A Portland State of Mind

Spent this weekend in Portland, Oregon.

Why? To catch the Blazers vs. the Magic because we don't have a basketball team here in Washington -- even if Washington has money out the ying yang. I'm going to type something really long talking about the trip. 1 2 3 go

Portland Bound

The drive down was pretty tirin' -- the only thing keeping me awake was the periodic droning of my GPS ("Go.. Straight.") and the fact that my minivan could have spun out at any moment due to the heavy rain. There was a point where a car next to me hit a puddle and Peter North splashed my windshield *pause*, completely covering everything to the point where I couldn't see.

Muriel screamed and woke everybody up. Hahaha

I was coo because I think driving in inclement weather is like playing a video game. I mean, its not the safest way to think of things.. but whatever, I'm kewl. Plus I drive a minivan.

Welcome to Oregon

We arrive at the hotel after driving 500,001 times around the block trying to find the entrance to the freaking parking garage because I think city driving blows balls. Everybody gets situated and we decide to pull out our tourist card and take advantage of no sales tax.

We get to the Lloyd Center shopping place.

This mall sucks.

We get settled in the food court and before scarfing down medleys of orange chicken, tacos, burritos, hotdogs and french fries... we hear somebody screaming. RAAaaaaaAA! Helloooooooooooppppppp! Graaaaaaa! Don't! AHHHHHHH! WHOOOORaaaAAA!

We look over and some dude just got tased.

Soon after, we got approached by a Tyrone Biggums looking dude shoving a bootleg Polo Sport cologne bottle in our faces and asking us if we want to "smell like a men's colonge". He wouldn't even finish his sentence before he busted up laughing.

This mall's tight.

Game Time

The place we stayed at had free Happy Hour from 5:30 to 7:30. Free drinks and free food. Free! Being slow, we got there at 7:00.

Even though we arrived late, it's coo -- I caught up by pounding 8 rum and cokes in 15 minutes. I'm kewl. And drunk. We soon took a cab for the game.

The game was freakin' tight. Blazers super smacked the Magic, WITHOUT Brandon Roy. This further proved to me that Dwight Howard's weak, is only good in 2K10, and just has big shoulders. How you gon lose to Martell Webster and Steve Blake? Really? Plus the Blazers scored over 100 points -- I get a free chalupa Dwight! What do you get? You get a loss!

On the taxi ride home, I noticed the taxi driver had the radio on..
Me: Wsup man! I see you got your radio on -- did you listen to the game?
Him: *in a matter-of-fact type way* Oh yeah man, hell yeah.
Me: *skeptical* Alright then, who won? (I start grinning at this point)
Him: *all awkward* ...uuheerrrr..rr

Hahah he made the weirdest noise when I caught him! It was like one of those Southwest Airlines commercials -- "Wanna get away?". But dude was cool tho. I asked him where the good bars are at.. but instead he told me that Portland is the nation's leader in "titty bars". I am not joking. I pointed to this place that looked like a bar, "Is that a titty bar?" He replies, "Nah, but behind it there's one."

Portland's tight.


We just drank hella at the hotel, blah blah blah, went to a hip hop club, blah blah blah. But tell me why one of the huge ass mirrors overlooking one of the booths came crashing down and shattered on top of everybody? Hella people were like touching themselves *pause* and looking to see if they were bleeding. Where does this happen at? Really?

Portland's tight.


Portland's a really nice city. It doesn't look as beautiful as Seattle, but it's really kept clean. Walking the streets, I didn't smell piss one time! Even in the alleys! Shopping downtown is really nice -- we went to a spot named Pioneer something that completely shitted on Lloyd Center, even if it didn't have people getting tased and crackheads.

We went to this place called Voodoo Donuts. It's a place that was featured on the Food Channel, Travel Channel, whatever. It's known for its quirky donuts. I mean, looking on the menu.. there's donuts called 'Cock-and-Balls' and 'Tex-Ass'. C'mon now. They also had some Maple Bars with Bacon on them -- they were hella good. It tasted like eating bacon with maple syrup on a pancake... except on a... donut.

The drive back was cool because I puss'd out and had Muriel drive. Lol. Shoutouts to everybody that went (we had like 20+ people go). I had a good time! And shoutout to you for reading this, and if you didn't, you can shoutout to my balls, chea!


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